One Higher Power

My grandfather is a rather conservative guy. He refers to himself as sort of a skin-flint penny pincher, but according to him, for good reason. This is not to say he is unkind or inconsiderate, because he really is one of the most endearing people you could meet, but he’s not really one to take chances. He says he has what’s called, “Jones’ Luck,” which is apparently a subsidiary of Murphy’s Law, only applied specifically and specially to my grandfather.

I have inherited some of this Jones’ Luck, whether biologically or behaviorally (I’ll leave that to the psychoanalysts among you). However, because of this inherited trait, I am primarily a skeptic. My first reaction to things is usually one of doubt — like a fish, eyeing every wiggling-wriggling morsel, on the look-out for a Hook. Unfortunately for me, this clashes with another tendency in me: one of insatiable hope and a resulting propensity for taking risks.

These two aspects of my own being are undoubtedly high on the list, as reasons I even put together this blog in the first place. By nature (or nurture: you decide), the very concept of a Higher Power to me is simply a given; there must surely be more to this intellectual existence, than simply a collection of neural files stored in the hard-drive of my brain, derived from what my five senses can gather about the matter I happen to run across. At the same time, I look to the spiritual and religious lines dangling about in the currents of culture, and see they are riddled with Hooks.

So, this quandary: I want deeply to embrace this ethereal unknown, but doubt the things people tend to loudly profess about it. I seek the Light of knowledge and understanding, and it seems what I’ve found thus far is confusion and questions. I am no more convinced or convicted in my beliefs, but no less so either.

Some would suggest I’m only floundering in indecision, saying, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step,” and that is true! Yet, I am not so ‘quandaried’ that I’ve hesitated to take the journey — more like I’m many miles down my path, in the middle of No-Man’s-Land, looking in every direction and wondering if I’ve somehow gone off course. The things I have learned through seeking the Light, in my own way and with my own faculties, using the teachings of others as a sort of Tourist Guide, has led me to a point where the things I feel are True are in conflict with what institutions of Wisdom claim as Truth — perhaps not even so much in conflict, rather similar but in a different Light. To that point, maybe I’m right where I need to be.

So, if I am right where I need to be, moving in the direction I need to be moving, following the call of my own spirit seeking the Light of Illumination… why then, is it so uncomfortable? It may be no coincidence, the message delivered yesterday morning by the pastor of the church I attend dealt with the story of Jesus and the rich man who came seeking Light. The rich man asked what he could do to reach the precipice in his spiritual path to which Jesus replied: follow the Law (don’t steal, lie, disobey your parents, etc etc). So, when the rich man said he had followed all these Laws, Jesus told him to give up everything he owned and give it away to the poor to find the light, then pick up and follow Jesus. Of course, the rich man just left, disappointed with the answer.

I see the value in divesting ourselves of mineral and metal, wealth and status — these things are stumbling blocks; a source of spiritual separation from seeking Light. Very few can take wealth and status and adapt them into stepping stones toward a Seeker’s path, as Jesus pointed out, with the camel and needle. Perhaps the goal is not to be poor, but rather to hit rock bottom: to have nothing left to lose. With nothing left to lose, we are then free to move forward, fully committed to the goal.

Perhaps this, too, is a source of my personal quandary. I’m part-way down the path of a journey, having kept a bus-pass back to the beginning in my hip pocket — in case I’m not really on the right path. I believe, but not so much that I have fully committed to Seeking Light. On a tangible level, that’s why, though I desire to spend my time here discovering and discussing the Seeking of Light, I devote most of my worry and concern toward trying to earn money, and like many in these times, not very successfully. So that too leaves me unsatisfied… perhaps the ultimate quandary.

I have big hopes and dreams for fulfilling the destiny of Me, in tune with the Light. But the Luck I’ve inherited leads me to think: “Yes, there is a Light at the end of the tunnel… but it just might be a train.”

PS - If you need website work (HTML, CSS, PHP, Flash, etc), I am available for hire! If you live nearby, I’ll even come over to wash windows or mow your lawn! I also have a 1992 Toyota Corolla for sale, 183K miles, in good running order: USD$600.